Thursday, February 21, 2013

My Boy

Bartholomew Edwards

This is my sweet angel pup, Bart. On Friday afternoon, Bart started laying out in the grass and not moving at all. Even when his favorite toy (motorcycles) drove by, he wouldn't bark or jump up. That was most definitely not like him. He loved to bark and protect the family. It was a little absurd, really. But sweet.

Bart wouldn't eat his dogfood or even any chicken. He just layed in one place and looked sad. I thought he might have a virus or something, so I decided to sleep downstairs with him in case he needed to be sick. He was fine all night, and the next morning, Saturday, I got up to feed him and let him out. When he got to the hardwood floors, he had some kind of neurological episode and his legs seemed to not function for a minute. I knew something was bad wrong, so I woke Jason up and told him I was taking Bart to the vet.

I got there before they opened and just sat in the parking lot petting and talking to Bart. When they opened, we went in and I explained what was happening. They sent us to a room and the tech came back to get his "vitals." The doctor came in shortly after and did a check up. He couldn't figure out what was going on, so they took blood. Barty and I cuddled on the floor and after a bit, he came back and said his white blood count was low and some other things looked weird, so he wanted to do an abdominal tap. They took a sample from his belly and it was all blood. 

The doctor told me that what he thought was happening was that Bart had a tumor on his spleen and that it had ruptured. He said we needed to do emergency surgery to assess. The doctor said it could be a 50-50 chance that the tumor was contained and hadn't spread. I loved my boy up and they took him back to get started. I left and honestly thought all would be fine. I was still in shock that he was bleeding internally and had something really bad wrong with him. The doctor said he would call as soon as he was inside and knew what we were dealing with.

Not 30 minutes later, I got the call. Apparently it was cancer and it had spread pretty bad. He said they could get what they could see, but it may still be in other places. And it would probably come back. My main concern was would Bart go back to his normal self afterwards, or would he just lay around and be pitiful? Of course I wanted more time with him, but not if he was sad and in pain. I had to make the worst decision-I decided to put him to sleep. I hate even typing that. It makes me want to puke. I feel so guilty. I wanted to be selfish and have him back, but I knew that was wrong. 

I did request to come back and see him and tell him good-bye. Y'all. I can't even. I've never seen a dog in surgery. It was not what I wanted to see. He was all covered up and still alive, but under anesthesia.  I gave my little boy lots of snuggles and just smelled his fur and cried my damn eyes out. I couldn't pull it together to leave. 

Then, I had to make the decision on what to do with him after. Just awful. I screamed and cried the whole way home. And then continued off and on all day. And then to top things off, Jason got a virus that afternoon/evening and was non stop throwing up. And all I wanted to do was check out of life for the rest of the day and get drunk that night. But I had to do life and take care of everyone else. So when everyone was in bed, I got cozy with the wine and cried my face off. 

I just MISS everything about Bart. His annoying barking. His constant begging for food. He followed me around everywhere. I rescued him from the Fulton County pound the month after Jason and I married.

The last three pictures are on Friday night and Saturday morning when he wasn't feeling well. He never really laid around-he was much too busy following me. 

I just picked up his urn and had a good cry fest, and now I will try to stop thinking sad thoughts. My pup was loved beyond belief, and he knew that. I'm glad he isn't sad like he was the last two days.

Sweet angel face Bart, your mommy loves you so much and misses everything about you. I hope you're watching down and knowing how much you meant to me. Now have fun barking, chasing, and playing with all of the other angel pups! 

Love Forever, Momma