Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The Tickle Monster

So, let's have another true story of something that happened to me this weekend. But first, the background.
I belong to an online yard sale site on FB, and it's awesome! You list your junk, people buy it. For way more than they would at an actual garage sale. For instance, I've made $700 since July 5. Yeah, I'm serious. It's freaking addicting and awesome and win-win because you are getting rid of stuff and making dolla dolla bills.

Anyway, I posted this "Tickle Monster Kit" which is a cool book and gloves-you read it while tickling with the gloves. Whatev, it was very nice and almost new like. So I had a person interested. I told her that with all I had going on, I needed her to come to my moving sale and pick it up. I gave her the address, and she replied saying it was 20 miles away and too far from her house. Ummm, okay.

So at some point, I told her maybe I could meet her the next day. Then I got busy having a garage sale and packing, and forgot. You can see where this is going, right? No, I didn't forget to meet her. I forgot I said that to her and continued on with life.


So, later on Saturday night, I was checking in on FB and saw this message from another girl asking if she could get it, and I was like DUH. Can you meet tomorrow? Ok? Cool-see ya then. Then I noticed original home girl had written me back and was like "OK, let's meet tomorrow." OMG. Great. Big mistake on my part. Big. Huge. I didn't want to immediately write back and tell new girl that she couldn't have it, because honestly, I was still ticked that original gangsta said it was too far, wah, wah. So, I lied.

Note to self-don't lie. Especially about something as STUPID as this. I told her I sold it at the yard sale because I didn't want to sell it to her and because I had already talked to the other girl. And then, I posted on FB to the new girl and old girl saw it. See below for my PM's with crazy girl. I'm the text in blue.

So, okay, I lied. I said sorry. Then she called me an idiot. Over a BOOK. I especially wasn't going to meet her after that. She told me she was blocking me since I was crazy. OMG. I can't even. Between her and the lady who took the oven for free, I just have no words. It was a weekend for bat shit crazy. And so what if my sister was in charge of the replies, because I shudder at confrontation.

On Sunday morning, we were thinking that we would have an oven and a crazy hooker in the driveway demanding her Tickle Monster kit. HA!

And here is her picture, after finding out I wouldn't sell her the Tickle Monster kit.

Chill, bitch. We're done.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Jacked by a woman at the yard sale

So, we had a yard sale this weekend to get rid of 9 years of clutter. I am a very organized person, but I still had LOTS of stuff that needed to go.

So, I posted on my facebook yard sale site that I was having a moving sale, and began digging out crap to sell. I also said there were no prices. Because ain't nobody moving in a week got time to price 548696 items.

So, mom and sis were here, we were setting up and the sale started. It was a little painful for me to sell things for like 2$ (ie a rug, clothing, dishes, etc) but I let it go. Things were moving right along. Sidenote: some people do not like to bargain. If they ask how much, I say an amount, they will just put it down instead of asking me for another price.)

We had an oven from our kitchen out there, because the broiler went out right after we put our house went on the market. "Someone" decided we could probably sell it, so we drug it out and had some interested people, but they either couldn't fix the broiler, or they didn't have a way to tote it home.

Well here comes this old lady. She is bee-lining to the oven. She's like, "How much?" I said, "$10??" She goes, "How about it's free, because I don't know if it really works, and if it doesn't I can just throw it away." I'm standing there like whaaaaaa? Then I figured it was better to let her take it then for me to have to figure out how to get rid of it. Cause it doesn't exactly fit in the trash. So I tell her fine, take it. She's like, "Can you put it in my car full of junk?" Ummmmmm....

So my sister and I get a dolly and finagle this giant oven into her Jeep Cherokee. Whereupon I find a pair of my LL Bean flipflops in the back. Seriously? She was trying to jack my flops and get a free oven? I'm like, "I'll make you a pile over here for the other things." She continues to poke around and ask if our lawnmower is for sale and if we have any furniture for sale.

Finally, she gets to her pile and asks how much. She had: flipflops, a clock, a ceramic hot chocolate thing, and something else. I tell her $5. She literally says to me, "How about $1?" I'm dumbfounded because I've just been out cheaped by an elderly woman. By the time I gather myself, she has her pile and is bookin it out of there.

My sister and I sat there and died laughing for a good 5 minutes. Then she came back. Because she left the box of burners and drip pans in the driveway.

And lest you think this story is over, it is not. That afternoon, probably about 2 hours after she left, she CAME BACK because she was missing a piece to the oven. I looked all over the garage for it, couldn't find it, said sorry, but it was free. She wouldn't let it go. I had to go get Jason. She said for him to come get it!! He was like, "Sorry, you be crazy. It was a free oven. It's yours. I'm not coming to pick it up." I literally was DYING. She made me take her number down in case we found the part while packing the garage.

The rest of the weekend, I would look at Sarah and say, "I can't even believe what just happened." And we would just crack up all over again. And we woke up on Sunday expecting to see an oven sitting in our driveway.

Moral: watch it at the yard sales, those older woman will work you over.

Monday, July 29, 2013


No, I'm not pregnant.

BUT, I've been sitting on a secret for about four months now. And now I can share!

We are moving BACK HOME to Birmingham, Alabama!!! I can't wait to be by family!!

We put our house on the market at the very end of March. We had at least 30 showings. And at the beginning of July, we got an offer! July 9, to be exact. And the buyers want to move in on AUGUST 4th.

So, I started packing back then, and then I slacked off because, what if it didn't happen. Then we had our appraisal and inspection, everything went well, and that was last week. So, I have been packing a 2500 square foot home for the past week with two children. It's about as much fun as washing 485 disposable diapers with all of your favorite clothes and then having to pick all the shit off your clothes. Just saying.

Thankfully, my MIL came for four days and I got some more packing done, then my mom and sis came for the weekend. We managed to pack up the whole master closet, attic, my bedroom, and some of the garage. We also had a yard sale and made a nice profit!

Jason is going to commute to Atlanta to work three days per week. I'm going to stay home with the kiddos and do my thing.

Since the sale happened so quickly, we don't have a house picked out. We haven't even gone to look. Because, hello. Packing house = more important. So, we will be shacking up in my sister's basement.
That's gonna be about as fun as picking fleas off a monkey while driving through a mud pit on heroin.

Basically, this will be me.

In all seriousness, it will be fun and A LOT of crazy for my family of four to live with her family of three. We will be looking for houses stat!

I am so excited to be moving home, being closer to everyone, and getting to see all the people on the reg.

We close on Friday. The moving van comes Saturday. Our entire house goes into storage. It's going to be a great adventure. Please pray that I don't end up looking like this before we get into our new home!

Friday, July 5, 2013

Zoo Atlanta and Cumming Aquatic Center ("Fieldtrips!")

About a month ago, we met up with one of my best hoochies from college, Emily!

Now, those of you familiar with Atlanta know how the "closeness" is. Emily lives in Decatur, I live in Sugar Hill. She is about 5 minutes from downtown Atl, and I'm about 40 minutes north of downtown. So, although we live in roughly the same area, it's dang hard to hang with the Atlanta traffic and roads!

We planned a trip to Zoo Atlanta with Emily and her kiddos Kirkland and Harrison and had a blast! We also met up with her neighbor and his two girls.

We  had a great time catching up and playing!

Haha! The Lion King has arrived!

Oh my. Emma mounting a gorilla.

Harrison riding the choo-choo train. His highlight of the trip!

We had a great time seeing our zoo and hanging with a great friend!

A few days (a week??) later, we went to the Cumming Aquatic Center. It has just opened up to the public and is very cool! We met a few friends and their kids there. I looked online and noticed it was a zero entry and had a cool playground in the water. I knew Emma would have a blast! Harrison is more interested in snacks on the chair at this point!

So Emma was playing in the 2-3 feet of water  and I was watching her while feeding Harrison graham crackers. Emma had on an obnoxiously big white bow, so I was able to track her by finding that.

Can't see the bow, but look at those LONG LEGS!  Harrison is mesmerized, lol!!

Anyway, Emma was walking around, swimming, playing, etc. I looked up to find her, and saw her bobbing up and down in about 4 feet of water. Little hands scrambling to grab the side of the pool. No life jacket on. Because it was  a zero entry pool that was not deep-according to the internet. Luckily, I was watching her. Luckily, I saw her, TWO FEET from a lifeguard, fighting for air. I jumped up, fully clothed, ran through the water, and DOVE onto her and grabbed her. 

I cannot EVEN IMAGINE if I was letting the lifeguards watch her while I gossiped or snacked with Harrison. Literally. She would be gone. I'm sure of it. She was SO CLOSE to help. So close to the side. They were scanning long range, not under their feet. I grabbed her, and then all of the parents on the side of the pool were like, "whaaaa just happened?" I was not sure. I started having a panic attack, in the pool, fully clothed, thinking about how my baby girl almost drowned. We got out, calmed down, then talked to the head lifeguard. 

We haven't been back since. But, we will. With a freaking heavy duty life jacket. Be cautious, folks. Be diligent. Cause it only takes a few seconds, and you wouldn't even know. Stay vigilant.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Giving up the BINKY!

Ohhhhh, friends. I have a confession to make. And, from the title, I'm sure you can assume what it is. That's right-I'm a binky mom. I have been a binky mom for the past FOUR YEARS. I love the binky. The binky brings comfort to newborns and toddlers alike. The binky is good. The binky makes my children happy. The binky is a God send.

And then? I took the damn binky away. That's right-I stripped my children of one of their two comfort items. The other item being a knitted lovie.

Anywho, I have always had some backlash from husband and family members to just TAKE.THE BINKY.AWAY. SUSANNAH. God, just take it, don't be so scared, it's so babyish, it's awful, it's deforming them, blah, blah, blah. I didn't get down with all that because I had a binky UNTIL I WAS SIX YEARS OLD.

Yes, you read that right. I was in SCHOOL and still took a binky at home. God bless my mama, she indulged my binky addict ways. And I was a sly one. I would tell her (the former dental hygienist) that I was READY to give that binky to the dentist, throw it off a bridge, put it in the trash, etc. And then when it came time to shit or get off the pot-I did not shit. I stayed on the pot. With ma' binky.

And then I turned six and shit got real and I threw it off a bridge into the Mississippi River on vacation.

Back to the case in point. I was indulging my children in their binky addict ways, because what? What was really gonna happen? Jacked up teeth? Going to kindergarten with it? No. Get real. It would work itself out.

Then, we came upon binky loss in the night. Binky falling out. Where's the binky? Wahhhh! I want my binky, okay I'm up now!

Then we went to the beach at the beginning of May and I saw a SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL in the bathroom of Cracker Barrel with a binky in her mouth. In broad daylight. And my child said to her, "Why do you have a binky in the bathroom during the day?" (Then I died and was simultaneously proud of her. Ha!) So husband and I embarked upon "Binky Removal 2013."

I told him it HAD to be when he was home-because honestly? Who wants to do that shiz alone? Not this girl! We chose Memorial Day weekend-when he would be around to deal with the binky backlash.

We made a plan. We stuck with it. We were going to Build a Bear and putting that damn binky inside of a stuffed animal for comfort and it was GOING TO WORK!

So off we went to the mall, we built a puppy dog (Harrison's request) and an ugly ass tie-dyed bear (Emma's request), we stuffed that binky inside, did a dance, gave it a heart/brain/whatever, and high tailed it out of there for $38!!!

Emma's bear was named Lowly, Harrison's dog was named Joanie, we went to the car armed with our binky lovin' fools, and................the shit hit the fan.

Before going inside. Everyone is happy with their crack, I mean, binky.

Sidenote: How ridiculous does my ALMOST FOUR YEAR OLD look with a binky?!?!?!

On the way home, Emma lost her shiz, Buddy kept saying "bi-bi" and I was hyperventilating thinking of nap and bed time.

Naps were a crap shoot, bed time was decent. Emma was up until 11:00, woke up twice asking for her binky, then was over it. Buddy went down at 7:45 and was cool with it when we kept telling him it was in his dog and to hug it. The next day?

Done. Nothing else was mentioned. Naps? Fine. Bedtime? Slightly pushed back, but sleeping through the night. Emma has sailed right on through. Which tells me it was more than time to remove the enemy. Harrison was fine, but when we travel long distances in the car, he still says, "Bi-Bi??" When I remind him that it's gone, he says, "Oh." Like, so matter of fact.

So, I guess the moral of the story is this. Do not be a puss when it comes to taking your child's binky away. Because if my two crack addicts could make it and sail on through life, your child will be fine. I only WISH I hadn't waited so long. And I hope to God we don't have 384,949 dollars worth of dental bills in our future.