Open Letters

Dear AT&T,
    For the love of your internet connectivity, I'm about to lose my mind. Get your act together. As we "speak," I am pricing out packages from Charter, Plus, you are extremely overpriced.

Holla,
Your customer for the last 10 years

Dear Dish Network,
     Ditto. I hate your stupid dish losing reception when the wind blows. You're about to be out with the wind too. See above.

Peace Out,
Your customer for the last 7 years

Dear Charter,
    Expect a call from me next week to set up TV/phone/internet. Maybe you can teach those peeps above a thing or two!

Thanks,
A new customer

Dear Dogs,
     If you don't stop barking while the children are asleep, I'm going to give you away to a zoo in Africa. Your antics are not amusing to me. Watch it, you're on thin ice.

Love,
Your mom

Dear Harrison,
     Did you miss the memo on  not waking up at 3:00 am? I know you got it because you were sleeping allll the way through the night. Please try to find that note and read up on it. Momma's tired.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Emeline,
     I am worried about your eating habits. Please stop being so picky. I fear you will turn into a hot dog, chicken nugget, or macaroni. I just want you to be healthy. I promise that oranges, whole grains, and real meats won't hurt you.

Love,
Mommy

Dear dog hair,
     Get the hell out of my house. I don't have enough money to pay the maids to come weekly. Be gone.

Seriously,
Susannah