Monday, August 10, 2009

SJE's, "A Labor Story"

We've all watched TLC's "A Baby Story," right? Well, this is my version of it-my labor story. So, if you don't want TMI, stop reading now.

OK, that was your chance. I'm bout ta tell it like it was.

I am a Mexican whore-I LOVE Mexican food-and all through my pregnancy, I ate Mexican like it was going out of style. Several times, I had myself convinced that I was in preterm labor because I overate cheese dip and taco salad and had ma-jah gas pains! MA-JAH (that's from my bestie Laura). Anyway, on Monday August 3, I was scheduled to be induced at 8:30 pm. So, hubs and my mom and I went for my last preggo meal, Mexican! We left at 7:45 and walked outside. Hubs was helping my huge ass into the car, when I felt it: trickling down below! Now I had myself convinced that I was NOT going to have all the normal labor stuff, because I was getting induced. So imagine my surprise when I feel what I can only assume is my water breaking! Ewww, it was gross interesting. For the whole 1 mile ride home, I attempted to levitate my fanny off the seat so I wasn't feeling it. Anyway, we get home, I do an inspection, and decide OK, this is really happening. Forty five minutes before I'm due to be induced, she decides she is coming out on her own!

Well then I get a contraction. I guess I had been having them all day, but didn't know what they were-they feel like period pains-cramps. Now, all of a sudden they were getting ramped up! Dude, like 3 minutes apart. Well, if you know me, you know I'm a drama queen bit dramatic, and I was all like, "We are not having this baby on GA 400, get me to the hospital STAT!" Cue hubs, driving 90 down GA 400 to get me there! We screech up to the L&D entrance, just like we practiced at our tour. I go in to the admissions desk while he parks the car. As I am standing there saying, "I am in labor," more water breakage occurs, splashing out on the floor, in front of a maintenance man and a Chinese couple. All are clearly not amused, and maybe even grossed out?? I can't imagine why. The admissions clerk gives me two towels (like, just birth it right here woman!!) and tells me to take a seat, a nurse will be right with me. OMG-srsly?? I am in labor and you want me to wait?!?! I begin texting the free world. This is where I could insert my need for an iPhone and/or Twitter. Ahem, hubs.

Ten minutes later, hubs and nurse come for me simultaneously. We go back to my "suite." Srsly, it is pimp tight. Very large and nice for a birthing suite. My nurse was freakin rad! Lauren was her name. She needs a shout out for dealing with me. And she got to learn my lingo~she was diggin it. Well, at this point when she checked me, I was 3 cm. And I was NOT down with much more pain. So, I requested my enema-ahahahaha! After that bathroom dalliance, I was ready for anesthesia. It was sometime in the middle of the night-I mean we didn't even get checked in and such till about 9:30. So maybe it was like 12:00-I get my epidural-BEST.THING.EVER. I am trying to rest/sleep, as is hubs, when I am greeted by my two long lost hoochie friends, Em and Laura. Am I hallucinating? I wish I had a picture of these two sketchballs rolling in my hospital room at 1:00 in the morning. They were "bored" and wanted to come see me before it got "too bad!" Ha! I was cracking up! Laura wrote some hilarious posts on all this at her blog, Groovin with the Grizas. They kept the laughs coming and I supplied the horror with my contractions/pain screeching. Laura may never give birth now, and I'm pretty sure Emily wants her fetus to stay inside.

So, we keep rolling, and it is the next day. At my next check, I was at 6 cm. It was probably about middle of the day on Tuesday. I was getting pretty miserable because all of my epidurals kept wearing off-yah, I said epiduralS. I got pretty cozy with the anesthesiologists-all 5 of them. Pretty sure that drug bill will be ENORMOUS. I kept losing the numbness on the left side. So anyway, by this point, I was about OVER IT. Plus, I now had a fever of close to 100-not cool-and the baby was not diggin it.

Fast forward to about 4:00-my doc comes in to check me-I was at 8 cm. I was starting to get excited-this is it, it's about to happen! He says, "Oh, by the way, you are not progressing fast enough. We may have to talk about options soon." Options in hospital speak for pregnant people =c section. My worst nightmare. Ask any of my friends, my fear was laboring then having to have a c section. I had been in labor for NINETEEN HOURS at this point-and now you want to jack me up and cut me open?!?! No thank you, I do not want to be bedridden and miz for 89 weeks. BUT, I am not down with laboring another hour, still being at 8, THEN having to do a c section. So I really suck it down and say, OK, for this kid whom I already adore, I will do ANYTHING. So cut me open.

Oh friends, so many misconceptions. Might I now add that a c section is THE.BEST.WAY.EVER to give birth. I will have 97 more c sections with all subsequent pregnancies. Srsly-my foof is still intact and I could use the bathroom without my insides falling out. Yeah, I said it.

Back to the story: I FLIP out on husby-he tries to calm me, then the nurse tech comes in to prep me-full on: new epidural, SHAVE the area, take blood, etc. All I know is once you give me a new epidural, you can pretty much do WHATEV you want to me. I vaguely remember telling the nurse when she is wheeling me to the OR, "I watch TLC, I know what y'all are about to do to me. I am so imagining everything. I'm scared!" She was damning television at that point (as well as my ability to talk.)

Enter the OR-of course just like on television, husby has to stay outside till I'm "ready." Once he comes in, the show begins. I am just imagining everything I see on TLC and slightly wigging. I kept asking the nurses what would happen if I barfed-especially once I was cut open. They were like, "Chill woman-we will give you a barf pan." So the doctor and surgical assistants are just chatting it up about BS, and I'm like, "Srsly, are you talking about this crap while you are CUTTING me open? Shutup and focus." Then I hear my OB say, "Hey dude!" I lost it-I'm all like, "Husband, it's a boy!?!?!? What the.....?!?!?!" (This was another BIG fear of mine-I was certain that all the ultrasounds were wrong and that I would have a boy named Emma with a pink and brown nursery.)

THEN-my little girl comes out! I see them carry her over my head to the little bassinet to do her check up-ahhh, she is amazing! I am so impatient waiting to see her! Hubs goes to take pictures of her and check on her. She is perfect, a gift from GOD. Long awaited.

Overall, it was a perfect labor. No complications, minus the late c section. Let me leave you with a picture of the event. Yeah, it was awesome. Pretty sure we will be doing this again soon.


  1. Nothinglik like reliving this moment from my chair in Mexico ! I'm about to read it out loud to everyone! Great job telling the story! You didn't get that epi till like 3am tho... After we left!

  2. Okay child, the story is pretty hilarious (but truthful)! You only left out that your elderly mother was FOLLOWING your precious hubs down GA 400 at ninety miles an hour too!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I am soo loving the "I watch TLC and know what you are going to do to me"! You are too funny!


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