Friday, April 22, 2011

Prayer & a Goodie!

Copying Following in the footsteps of Mrs. Preppy today, I had to steal borrow this hilarious prayer she posted on today's blog.


"A Mother's Prayer for Her Child" by Tina Fey

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, for childhood is short – a Tiger Flower Blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long, and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

-Tina Fey

My favorite line is, "calls me a bitch in front of Hollister, give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that shit. I will not have it." HAAAAAA!

And, not to try and top that hilarity off, but I found some of the Starburst Summer Fun fruit chews in the school office, grabbed a handful to snack on, and then my life changed. No, seriously. Because? The flavors are lemon limeade, cherry splash, kiwi banana, and strawberry watermelon. Holy Lord. They are delicious. If you see any, buy about 50 packs, mail me 49, and try the other 1.

And with that friends, have a blessed Easter weekend!


  1. Hilarious! I have her book on my Kindle wish list.

    Happy Easter!!

  2. I laughed so hard I cried. Srsly.

    I will keep an eye out for those candies, I can mail some to my fave hoochie if she needs some sugary peace in her life!

  3. The book is hilarious - read it if you get the chance. And those Starburst sound yummy. I got some two flavor Skittles in my Easter basket and they're damn good too. Too bad I got in trouble with the doctor for gaining 13 pounds in two months and shouldn't be eating candy. Whoops.

  4. Oh sweet heavens! I'm going to print this out and frame it. Because, yeah, this is truly so very much what I pray for Baby Girl! I cannot stop laughing! I love Tina!


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